The One Person You Neglected on Your Team

When I was a manager at Facebook/Meta, there was a list of behaviors that served as the principal for every manager. It was engraved into every manager’s brain. The top 1 of all is “Show Care”. This is reflected through the 1:1s people have, through the way managers listen to and attend to team member’s needs, and through supporting team members to achieve their career and life goals. It is having empathy for your team members. This is proved to be a good way to create productive and healthy teams. Even if you’re not a manager, you demonstrate this behavior daily to your family members and friends. You care for them in many ways, which leads to happiness in your life.

Over the years, I observed a pattern in myself and among the people I know, especially those who are overachieving or trying to overachieve in their lives. They often neglect one person and arguably the most important person on their team, and that is themselves. Imagine if you are also a member of your team, among your colleagues or family members. Have you shown enough care for yourself? I bet you the answer is often no. When you listen to your team members or family members with your heart, have you ever done that to yourself? When you accommodate your team members’ needs, how about yours? Have you been too hard on yourself regarding feedback and judgment? I know my answer…. Through my East Asian upbringing, I was taught to be humble and to be selfless. As a result, I often judge myself harshly. I often put my needs behind everyone else and seldom come to them, or even think those needs are unreasonable or selfish. Imagine if you do that to one of your team members; how would they feel? Would they keep motivated and productive, or would they leave your team?

I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, but I’ve come to the realization that just like the simple management philosophy of showing care to your team, the simple path to self-development, productivity, and happiness is to show care to yourself. You are the most important person on your team. How to do it? I tried a few things and have a few thoughts.

1:1 with yourself

I sometimes have 1:1 with myself. It’s a fancy way to say to check in with yourself periodically. It could happen literally anytime, during driving, during the shower, or call one anytime you need one. During that time, just listen and occasionally ask questions. Don’t jump too quickly to conclusions or solutions. I find this metaphor works well for separating your intuitive brain and your logical brain. Let the logical brain play the manager, and let your intuitive brain go all out. I find it gives me clarity on what’s actually going on with myself. Some people like meditation, and I believe it is one way to have this 1:1 with yourself.

Prioritize yourself

Once you hear the struggle or the need from this team member - yourself, prioritize helping them. Helping them takes time, so prioritize that time. Sometimes it is to fulfill a need that was deprioritized previously. Just do that. Sometimes it is simply taking a break. Let them take a break. Whatever that is, knowing that this is an important person on your team, just like others, helps you to prioritize.

Have empathy

In my interpersonal philosophy, the most important trait is empathy. Apply empathy to yourself, just like you apply to others. Especially when there are emotions involved, try to understand first what that emotion is and try to understand why that is the case. Don’t jump too quickly to judgment and feedback, but seek to understand first. Knowing that yourself is just another human being with human emotions and problems.

Just remember, you are the most important person on your team, and you owe this person a disservice if you don’t show care to them.